I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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