I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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