I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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