i jhust puked up my retainher.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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