Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
