Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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