Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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