She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
