The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There are leaves in my underwear?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
