I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
