I must be too annoying 4 u.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
