never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
