Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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