oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
