my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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