hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
