I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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