So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
