I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
