my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
