I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
