i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
