so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
