I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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