break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
