just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
