Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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