I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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