who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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