pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
