So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
there's paper in my vomit.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
3pm strippers are depressing
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
