I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
