i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
