I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
