I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
it's great music for shaving your balls
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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