bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
