A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
