It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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