the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
