I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
