i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
