Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
