I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
