Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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