kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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