wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
