the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
