1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
