You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
