Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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