Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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