Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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